Want

There's much that I can list as a desire right now. I want my own place. I want a house. I want a studio. I want an in-unit washer/dryer. I want a laundromat across the street. I want a dishwasher. I want a refrigerator with a pull-out freezer. I want a job. I want a career. I want a job that will pay me enough to afford all of that. I want to work independently. I want to collaborate. I want a corporate life. I want to be an artist. I want to sing and dance. I want to be a dancer. I want to learn ballet. I want to learn to play the drums. I want to learn the guitar and the bass and the cello. I want to learn opera. I want to learn the harp. I want to read. I want to write. I want to film videos. I want to be a personality. I want anonymity. I want to be a stranger again. I want to be connected and detached from everyone and everything. I want it all and I want none of it.

But today has been a great day. I woke up around three or four in the morning and when I wasn't able to pretend to sleep anymore I picked up my phone from the floor where I left it charging. I'm trying not to have my phone directly beside me when I sleep. I've left it on the desk a few times, but yesterday it had little battery and I didn't want it to run out overnight and that would also possibly delay me in the morning if I had to wait for it to fully charge up. I also, honestly, just wanted to keep using it before I went to sleep. I don't know why I lied that to myself, about it possibly delaying me from something because I didn't really have any plans for today.

Anyway, I dreamt about helping my aunt with a business that she had running out of her house. The house was cool, and I've dreamt of that house before, too now that I think of it. I don't know why I still haven't gone to see it. It's been so many years now, but it's literally in walking distance. I also dreamt of some kind of church or event or auditorium or performance venue. At some point I was in a large bathroom stall. Then there was also my pastor and a large bird like a pterodactyl or a condor or a vulture. I backed away into the building next to me and ended up back at a performance venue that I'm pretty sure was the same performance venue from before.

I decided myself awake and got my phone. I read Proverbs 3 and highlighted these verses:

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; / bind them around your neck, / write them on the tablet of your heart.
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Trust in the Lord with all your heart / and lean not on your own understanding; / in all your ways submit to him, / and he will make your paths straight.
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Honor the Lord with your wealth, / with the firstfruits of all your crops; / then your barns will be filled to overflowing, / and your vats will brim over with new wine. / My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, / and do not resent his rebuke, / because the Lord disciplines those he loves, / as a father the son he delights in.
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭9‬-‭12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

My sleep will be sweet! How beautiful is that! Let love and faithfulness never leave you? Write them on the tablet of your heart! Imagine what that would read like in the original Hebrew.

Now I wish I'd done something more beautiful after that. I might have clicked through social media and through my game next. I'm currently reading about rejection through a Christian lens. I'm not entirely sure what I think about it yet, but it definitely is interesting. I'm also reading The Gospel in Brief by Leo Tolstoy. I'll let you know about that one later. I finished a chapter of both of those and though I planned to stay awake, I let sleep win and was out for another hour. I had breakfast and watched a sermon and then scrolled some more on social media. I almost went back to sleep, but managed to get myself up instead. And for good measure, I made my bed so it would be more difficult for me to get back into it.

I started a pilates series this week and so I put on the video for the day. It was an arms and back focused one and while I broke a sweat, I'm not sure that I was performing the exercises properly. I was hurting, but not really in my arms or back; I think my focus was on not slipping, my wrists, and the heaviness of my body I guess. I'm glad I did it, though. I'm really just trying to finish out the week and hoping that that'll keep me moving forward to the next program.

After that I went for a walk. I did a vocal warm up and then worked through practicing my parts for choir service this Sunday. I don't know that I have good technique. So, add singing lessons to the list from before if it's not already there. I sang for more than half of the walk. I took a class on the science of learning and I could hear in my head "illusion of competence" after the second song I practiced. I was only listening to my section's part and following along to make sure that I could hit what we are supposed to hit. We usually get the recordings of our practices, but one week they must not have been posted or they were posted late. I really don't know, I think I was using my own recordings at that time. But my friend in the group said that our parts hadn't been posted, so she listened to the other parts and practiced harmonizing with those recordings. How cool is that. That must have been a few months ago now, but for some reason it felt like I should try that today so I did. And boy! Illusion of competence was right. So today's practice was long, but I think I'm better for it. I also could notice my listening and how I would trip myself up when I was paying too much attention to the other parts rather than focusing on what I knew I was supposed to do. But I would also get tripped up when I was trying hard to get my part perfectly. It really did have to be just the right amount of focus on my part and the other section to build up the understanding in my body, voice, mind, ear.

I drank some water with a splash of apple juice when I got home. I showered. Then I want to my optometrist office to pick up my trial contact lenses. I'm getting them late this time, I usually have them by December, but I ordered a pair of glasses at my appointment so I haven't really been too concerned about refilling my contact lenses supply. I took the bus and was able to find a seat. Unfortunately the man in front of me and later the man that sat next to me both smelled like cigarettes. I started reading Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. It was a little bit funny that the first chapter has a whole scene about smoking cigarettes.

At the optometrist, I gave the receptionist my information and they got my lenses for me. I waited a little to see the doctor since he had said he wanted to follow-up on my right eye since I can't seem to get good vision out of it. We did a quick check-up again and we did tweak the prescription a little bit, but the brand of lenses that I use I'm already maxed out of the power. I haven't tried the lenses out yet, so we'll find out tomorrow.

I took the bus home, had dinner, watched a video, and now I'm reading a blog post about polymaths. I'm realizing just how incredibly fortunate I am. I've been getting these realizations more and more. I have my down moments because I can obviously still see what goes on around me. I see the poverty and I see the health issues and the anger and the worry. Just on my way home from the optometrist, I saw a man lashing out at a woman telling her and all she said back was "I know." Not defeated or scared or instigating, he was trying to get in her face about it too, basically expressing how little she meant to him, but he wouldn't leave her alone and she just said "I know." Then at the top of the hill, there was a lady yelling at a man. I'm not sure what about, but she was riled up. Then I saw that the back of the man's bike had one of those bike trailers for kids. Two little kids were sitting there. One was looking more ahead and the other looking up at the mom. I'm not sure what they were thinking, they just didn't look happy. I wish I could have said or dome something, but what is there to say or do? Maybe you know and maybe you could let me know, too. But that's what I mean about being incredibly lucky. Because I have the life that I have. I have my own issues and I deal with my own aggressions. But I get to do something about it.

On my walk between the bus stop and home I just kept thinking about what I could possibly do to help lift up my community. I've been so focused on moving forward and moving on and moving up. I know that I can be selfish. But I didn't realize that experiencing so much of this joy and awe for my life, I was striving for more for less than great reasons. I know I'm no one's savior. I know that I'm just me. I know that I can't possibly solve all the problems and hurts in my local surroundings, let alone in the world. Let alone in myself! I keep finding and learning new things about myself, good and bad. But I also know that I can contribute. And I want to contribute. I would love to say and do all the right things to get everyone to see the greatness that I can see, but I also know that I wouldn't have listened if it was me. Anyway, I love my life because I know that I'm blessed to be who I am. I know that what I lack and what I have both serve me in serving others. I know that I have it good. I want so much and I don't want to deny that to myself if I get a real opportunity to have and achieve it all. But I also hope to want for better.