to be where you are

Jesus, the dichotomy of it all. Literally this is an example. It's not the best example, but we're leaning in, so try to follow along. I'm living my dream life. And I've actually caught myself multiple times before thinking that. And when I start to think that it's because I'm genuinely happy with where I am, with what I get to do, with what I get to see, with what I get to experience. I'm grateful. And then this little hand goes up and calls for attention, "you know dreams can also be nightmares." And it's like I have to acknowledge it. But why!

I keep thinking that I've always felt like I was somewhere in between. Not quite this, not quite that. Not enough this, not enough that. Can't claim that, they won't claim me. You can't have one without the other. Yin and Yang. There is no light without darkness. It's a spectrum. But I've dealt with it in absolutes. I don't know if I feel cheated in a way. Like I could have had a better grasp at life had I been able to embrace the in between. For as long as I can remember, I've believed that it has to be all of the one. I'm either bad or I'm good. I'm either a saint or a sinner. I'm a boy or a girl. I'm happy or sad. How exhausting.

Anyway, I had a good day today. I really, genuinely did. I was grateful in it all, up until a few hours ago. I ended up peering into someone else's life. And while I don't know the person, I know of them. And the reason I know of them is because I know their friend. And there was a time where I was horrendously jealous of them because my friend admitted to me that they had mutual feelings for one another. And then they didn't, at least not the same ones at the same time. They ended up breaking up all together and I had no real sympathy for the situation because I was acting selfishly. Now fast forward and I'm almost absent-mindedly looking them up, but clearly I'm interested, curious. And it's not even that I really found anything new, per-se. I think I just saw a life that I would like to live, but feel like I can't. It's frustrating, I'm frustrating. They've moved on after having the validation I've craved so deeply. I'm still trying to figure out how to just be friends with the same person. I'll never get that validation I wanted. And I actually thought I had accepted that. I don't really know what else to do there to make that be true.

So how did I let myself even peer? And how did that so easily shake me? It's the chicken and the egg question a bit for me. Why was the curiosity there to begin with. Obviously a part of it was because it had been a habit before, but why today? I can't get back to where I was before looking. So how do I continue to move forward from here? What lesson do I learn? I really do love my life. And I clearly want something different, too. Simon, Simon. At best, Simon Peter.

Father, thank you for praying for me. Sincerely, I don't quite love the sifting. Sincerely, if this is building muscle, I'm feeling sore right this second. BUT. I continued with my readings. I'm continuing with my lesson. I'm continuing with my schedule. Father, I have a lot to thank you for. And have no footing on my own to ask for anything right now, but I would like to submit prayer for them too. What bound me wasn't love and I know you are love. Sifting sucks, refining sucks, shedding sucks. But I'm already elated about it. My heart already feels lighter for it. I don't want to keep holding onto or holding out for. God, thank you for being exactly where you are. Thank you that you know exactly where I am. Thank you for allowing me a glimpse of something else. Thank you that I've returned♡