the joy in your heart

What is it about story telling? What is it about living? What is it about anything at all! I don't mean to sound dramatic, but that's all I seem to be able to muster up any time that I write. I don't ever want to look back at what I put out and only ever see dark. But I'd be completely disingenuous if I stuffed it all away.

There's a lyric: "breaking out of yesterday." I've really been leaning into my faith as of late. I'm extremely grateful to have that as my inheritance. I'm extremely grateful for the incredible privilege it is to have faith. Lately, though, I've found myself at two extremes. I always seem to be hearing about how things will get better. How there's more to come. Cast away my fears and anxieties. Do everything to please. No, not that way. Actually you will never be able to. But you must keep trying anyway. But also it's not about trying, it's about being. But also don't pretend because it's better to be fully as you are and let the transformation happen. Except if you know you're doing wrong, fix that. But don't do anything except surrender to fix it. Just don't do nothing, though. Faith and works, remember. I don't even know what I'm trying anymore. And I feel crazy.

I have faults, that's no secret. I've already been extreme by speaking in absolutes like always, so might as well continue. I've never felt understood. And I really do feel crazy, because my faith is where I feel the most real. I'm also well aware that there are notions out there that religion and spirituality preys on the weak of mind precisely because there's a weakness in the mind or in identity or in situation. I can concede to that point that religion and spirituality can be a haven. But where else would I turn to? Where else could I go to be free? I don't feel preyed upon. But I also feel almost more scared.

Here, I'll tell you what I'm scared of. I'll try telling you what I'm scared of. I'm scared that I already had it right and good and that I convinced myself and let myself be convinced that there was more. I'm scared that there is more and that I destroyed it. I'm scared that I'm being blinded or that I'm blinding myself. I'm scared that I'm wrong. I'm scared that I really am crazy. I'm scared that I'll be stuck here. I'm scared that I can't go back. I'm scared to move forward. I'm scared to have it this good. I'm scared to lose it. I'm scared that I'm delusional. I'm scared that I actually might have it right. I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to be known. I'm scared of what's to come. I'm scared of what I'll let go. I'm scared of who I'm becoming. I'm scared that I'm still letting fear factor in my life. I'm scared that I won't know the difference between a warning and my own resistance.

It's as if I'm two different versions at the same time. It's also like I'm finally understanding myself and have more language to understand what I really am like. I can't seem to shut up in my own mind about this journey I'm on. Everything takes me back to God. And it's frustrating. And I feel terrible that I'm frustrated. But it's the truth. I want to be normal. I wanted to say normal again, but I don't know that I ever have been. And that's frustrating, too. I don't want to look at my life and myself through those lenses anymore. Who dictates belonging! Because I've felt like I didn't belong in certain places, spaces and with certain people and groups. But down the line of time, I come to find that I did belong or at least was thought of fondly. So what's messing with my mind! And when will it stop. Again, this is so dramatic. Because all in all, I actually had a really good day today. And that's why I'm flustered right now. Because why can't I let myself have it good? Where is this melancholy from!

God, I'm grateful for words. I'm grateful for languages. I'm grateful that I want to understand. I'm grateful that I get to let this out. I'm grateful that I don't have to hold it in anymore. I'm grateful for the life that I live. I'm grateful for all you've done. I'm grateful for the depth of what I think and feel and experience. I'm grateful that I'm not alone in any of it. I'm grateful that I'm not the first. I'm grateful that I don't have to be anything more than what I am right now. I'm grateful that I'm not finished. I'm grateful that you're not finished. I'm grateful that we're not finished. I'm grateful that if I can't connect with anyone, I can at the very least connect with myself. Which is far and beyond where I had been before. I'm grateful that as scary as it's been, I'm accepting that I can trust you. I'm grateful that I can begin to learn about trust. God, this learning by doing sucks. It's hard. It's hard. But, what breakthrough. Can I tell you something to close out? I had lunch with my mom today. I ate my entire bowl without picking out any of the ingredients♡