talitha cumi

when's the last time you were at the end of your rope? i keep getting a bit frustrated with myself because i feel like i keep writing only about how i feel down or confused or lost or whatever. the thing is i really am doing great. i finally feel like i'm on my way up, but not because i'm necessarily getting something new.

so, i wrote that first part earlier in the day. it’s now 10:25pm and i just finished crying about everything. here, look. i‘m having trouble accepting that i have to and want to break up with a friend. and i have to because its not healthy. i have to because i don’t like who i am and the thoughts i have about them or with them. i go back and forth on this because i genuinely think he’s been so good for me. and i feel selfish if i do remain in this relationship as i am, but i also feel selfish leaving so that i can be who i know i’m mean to be. and is that putting way too much onto them? because they haven’t done anything. their only fault is that they are willing to be friends with me.

i‘m twisted up about work. i accepted a project and i feel like i’m in way over my head. like there’s some sort of blockage and fog over the situation. i’m just not understanding the expectations or process or even my role in it. i don’t want to let anyone down and i don’t want to do it or be part of it.

i have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow because i have a sore throat-ish. i’m hoping that it’s just vocal strain but i’m scared that it would be something more and i’m scared that it would be something more because i love to sing and use my voice now.

i also have to schedule a dentist appointment tomorrow. i had a root canal consultation last week and the dentist that saw me determined that a root canal wasn’t necessary. and that’s a good thing, no? so why am i now thinking like oh what if i didn’t answer correctly somehow and i end up getting the wrong treatment out of my own incompetence!

maybe there’s something else to all of it. but i know i’m struggling with trust right now. and why! God, you’ve been nothing but faithful to me! but there’s an alarm blaring outside of my window that’s been blaring for the past almost hour. i can’t see where i’m going. i don’t get what i’m doing. this life that i’m living feels too good to be true and like it would almost make more sense that something’s going to happen at the turn of the corner what would make it be like “aha! see! i knew it was too good to be true.” why am i waiting on that? i don’t want to wait on that. but it’s almost like to believe that you would do more for me? the audacity! i want so badly for you to do and to show me how good it actually is with you. and even though you have been nothing but truthful and faithful to me. i don’t want to keep seeking you in trouble. i don’t want to keep testing or pushing the limits to see if you actually mean what you say about always being with me and being for me. so then how else does trust work?

Father God. Jesus, thank you. i don’t want to ask for anything more. i would like to sleep. if i could just leave all of it with you? man if i could just leave me with you. if my thank you and if my love have any value at all, it’s yours.