resume

God is good! look, i was on a high yesterday. i felt so proud of myself for what i thought i had accomplished. and then today. it wasn't anything bad per-se. but i woke up again in the middle of the night. my dad woke me up at 7am. and while i did get up, it was more difficult today than yesterday had been. i enjoyed my breakfast and the message i listened to was actually really good but i ended up dozing off partway through it. i went back to bed for a nap and ended up pushing back the time i would wake up each time. honestly i couldn't really enjoy the nap fully because i was dreaming and when i would wake up i wouldn't have much time left that i had designated so instead of getting up i convinced myself to just add 30 more minutes. i had a meeting scheduled for the middle of the day and it rained today. so i did have my regular activities that i wanted and could have gotten to, but i let the napping and the fact that it was raining take hold and so that was that. i finally got up around noon and did my pilates program and then found a stretching video to do before my meeting. i'd been all twisted up about this meeting because it's for that project that i couldn't understand. but it ended up being productive. we walked through expectations and a schedule and our individual responsibilities. this is new for me. and i noticed that i tend to not like that. i don't know if it's pride or overcompensation or what, but i don't like coming across like i don't know. but also i want to make sure that everyone knows that i actually don't know to buffer for my mistakes. idk. after the meeting i took a walk. and even though it was still misty out and drizzling, i was able to complete my full route. i listened to the message i had put on in the morning and i was right to put it on again.

i feel like i'm resuming something. a new thing, absolutely. but also like i'm returning to somewhere or something. i don't know. and honestly, it seems like the them for now is that i feel crazy. because as unclear as i am with where i'm actually going, i'm so happy in the present. and i don't think i've been happy in the present for quite some time now.

i actually was thinking about this earlier today while i was doing my stretching. because on monday i felt like it went really well. and today i felt so incredibly tight. i found myself holding additional tension trying to hold myself up. but when i could take note and start to let my body weigh on itself how it was, it was such a great shift! to allow my body to sink into the stretch. like i finally understood what it meant to sink into a stretch.

idk. all i know is that God, you're good. you're so good to me. and i know i can make an impact some way, somehow. i'm just so grateful that more than anything i can get to do or see or experience, Being and allowing you to see me; this entire process has been beyond what i could have asked for. this freedom and this relationship! literally, thank you could never be enough. i love you!