proof positive

Hi◡̈

There is nothing I can say that can explain what goes on inside of me. And honestly, God, I'm tired of living on the inside. I almost felt like I had no time to think today; keeping in motion. And I say that with the happiest attitude. Woke up around 5:20, grumbled my way into gratitude for getting a chance to see another days' worth of wonders, joys, delights. Started planning an outfit. I had wanted to wear a specific shirt today, but didn't realize I had worn it last week so it was in the laundry for today. I got upset about it and yuck did not like that attitude. But I wasn't upset at myself for it either! Was able to notice it and decide, hm, no that doesn't fit. I came up with two new options and actually ended up really liking what I had. Made my way over to church earlier than usual and picked up a coffee on my way over. The doors were still closed when we got there and I got to socializing with some of my team instead of hiding off distantly! We socialized some more once we were inside while the band and sound crews were getting everything set up. I ate my banana and sipped on my coffee. The coffee ended up stretching with me the whole day, I don't think I finished it until noon. We got started with sound check and ooooooooh, it was like a peak, a preview, a trailer, a warm up for what was to come, and still it was not even close enough to what it turned out to me. After sound check, we had a team huddle and instead of just us looking towards a leader, we were challenged and invited to turn towards one another and encourage and pray for one another. After we got done with that, I finished my banana and headed downstairs for our team huddle. We were so deep in it that we almost missed the countdown. And there was just something about being so ready to celebrate and have our hearts open to greatness today. And the whole day was like that! I mean, you've seen it. I tend towards introspection and planning and today I just genuinely felt free. And it wasn't like I necessarily considered that during the day. It just was like I was on auto-pilot but still so Aware. But there was this just uplifting. You know when they say like imagine there being a string at the top of your head and like you're being pulled up from it. In the context of like getting into an upright alignment like in dance or for posture. But that's exactly what it felt like. Which is funny because it wasn't until just today that I understood what it meant, but I wasn't even trying! After we wrapped up with serving, I went to my other team for our discussion group. Now I've only led my group once time and I figured the groups would sit in the same spots every time so I made a beeline to where I thought my group was. And the conversation had already gotten started and I felt bad because I felt like I had disrupted the girl that had been sharing and felt even more bad because she was sharing so vulnerably. And I'm so incredibly excited for all of them there. They were speaking to so many things that I had been dealing with as well and that I can relate to in terms of upbringing and lived experiences and perceptions. And I could just See, not with my eyes, but with my heart, I could See the celebration and joy waiting for them. I had written earlier this week about like decay having purpose and that it provides nourishment for new life. And I kept coming back to how crustaceans shed their shells and exoskeletons when they've outgrown them. And more specifically how exposed they are. How raw. How tender. And one of the other group members phrased it as like building calluses when engaging in new ways. I'm butchering it, but you get it.

Jesus. Man, you know who you are. I'm almost like freaking out because of how ON I can feel. But God, I pray that I never lose this sense of awe and wonder. I know that as I continue, things will become a new normal. And I can already see how beautiful and vibrant everything is turning. I pray to pretty pretty please, keep that reverence, keep that gratitude. Not because I'm scared to lose it, but I just don't ever want to be used to it. I LOVE YOUUUUUUU♥︎