now, run

We're back to trust, Lord. I had a meeting scheduled this morning, so I woke up early to eat breakfast. It was actually a rescheduled meeting. On Sunday night I ended up revisiting the project the meeting was for because I kept sensing this encouraging nudge to check it out again. First, I might have already written about this somewhere before, but let's visit it again. I've been having a difficult time with it. At first, the instructions and process seemed pretty clear and simple. I got a text to start the project with the goal of having it ready to present by the end of the day. When I actually started the project I realized I actually had very little idea what I was supposed to be doing. What I was about to do seemed too simple, but then the other route seemed too involved. I did what I could and thought that we would go over my work internally, but I ended up having to present my work to my team and the other team at the same time. And I was flustered because I was unclear and unsure of my work to begin with. So, thank you, Lord, for stepping in because we've had a few meetings since to iron out more details.

Fast forward a week or two ago, I received a new layout to work with and the instructions, again, seemed pretty clear. And again, I started my work on it and when I got into it I didn't feel confident in what I was handing in. So, okay, now we're back to Sunday night. I'd been hung up on the project for some time since we hadn't reviewed since I added by portion of it. For the past couple of days or however long it's been, I've been having the project in my mind. But I couldn't get to a point where I could actually make any progress; I was at a standstill. So on Sunday night I finally was able to sense like I could take some steps forward again with it. I looked at it again and initially I wanted to start it all over again with a different approach. MY plan was to start and hopefully get through to a mid-point before the night came to an end and then I would continue Monday morning and be ready to go by the meeting time. NOPE.

When I started to look it over again and implement my new strategy, I found that doing it that way would take way more time. Now, I did have issues with the time it would take. But also, I wasn't even sure that that's what they're looking for. What was interesting to me, though, is that this seems like a challenge to me for different reasons than it would be before. Yes, it has to do with the work load and my performance. But it also has a lot to do with how I don't ask for help. How I can take so much time sitting in something and prolonging my own distress because I won't act OR because I can't bring myself to ask for clarification. Honestly, sometimes I even end up writing the script for people, so I end up creating a narrative for how I think they'll respond based on what I think I know of them or the situation. What I've been learning in this time, though, is to not do that so much. To decide to trust you instead. I tried my strategy and what I saw was that I had even more questions. And what that's helped me with is formulating my question to bring up to the discussion. I have this worry or concern that I'll get in trouble. That I'll be told off or something or reprimanded for failing to deliver. And, personally, I feel like that's a valid concern to have. But I also am learning that I don't have to shoulder everything. That I can't decide to know what others are looking for, that it's okay to seek understanding. And if I do get yelled at, then I get yelled at. But I have to also give people a chance to be how they're going to be and not let my own projections get in the way, because doing that has really only led me to resentment and distancing.

We have this meeting rescheduled again for tomorrow. And potentially a different meeting to present again later in the day. I don't know how either meeting will go. I hope I've been doing the right thing all along. I hope that everything goes well. Jesus, I really just want to trust you.

It's kind of funny that I really just went into this. What I actually came to share with you was about how I ran today! We're pretty much at March and I've done five runs total this year so far. Two have been quick, like less than ten minutes. The other ones a bit longer. I had the meeting scheduled at 10am, but tentatively pushed to later in the day. Honestly, I was planning to sleep up until the meeting time, but when I saw the reschedule request I tossed and turned until finally getting up around 9:30 and did my pilates routine for the day. I made my bed first and when I was done I logged onto the meeting since no one confirmed the time change. I actually got scared a little bit because I finished the routine a minute or two after 10, so I thought I was late. No one was there though. I almost logged off, too when I saw one of my teammates join in. We chatted a little bit. And God, thank you for that opportunity. If that's what the delay was for, I thank you that I got to be part of the catch-up. And if I'm over-spiritualizing it, I'm still grateful for today. After our catch-up, I got ready for my walk. And here we went with the trust again! I'm not exactly sure how it went because I can't fully recall it all, but I got the feeling or thought or prompt or whatever, to put on a sports bra juuuuuuust in case I ran today since I wasn't all the way sure if I could do my usual distance and be back in time for the new proposed meeting time. I almost laughed it off, but I did it anyway. Then I left for the walk.

Usually when I do a run I do a warm-up. But again, I was concerned for time so I really didn't want to add the warm-up. And, also, I had just done my pilates routine so I counted that as the warm-up since it incorporated hip stretches which is really where I feel most tension when running. I wasn't even sure that I would do a run. I started my walk and got just a whisper to start at a specific point in my regular walking route. Again, almost laughed it off, but by the time I was there it was like a switch flipped, "READY!" Even though I really wasn't all that ready. I was in the middle of clearing out all my saved songs, too. But when I got to the spot I just let the playlist keep playing. The longest distance I've ran this year so far before today was 1.96 miles and that was almost exactly a month ago. I looked at the program I was supposed to do and saw 5k and thought, "no way." Then, "ugh, okay." And off we went. GOD. Thank you for being with me through it. I feel like I'm being so dramatic, but it was such an experience. The distance was intimidating. The no usual warm-up was intimidating. The actually having to do it was intimidating. I ended up having to stop less than a handful of times for traffic lights, and that was tough because for some reason it feels harder to keep going after a pause. Or also, it sucks when the run is feeling really good and I have to cut right into it; it sometimes feels tough to get back into that flow. But we finished! And yeah, it was tough, but it was also so cool to notice how much lighter I felt. And not weight-wise, but like my body was working together to achieve the activity at hand. I think I mentioned this before, but how I could start to sense more of a controlled movement so I wasn't adding extra resistance, but letting the muscles and parts almost settle in and figure it out in a way. I wish I could express that more eloquently. Maybe another time. What a thrill that was, though! 3.1 miles, baby! AND I had fun. Some stretches were tougher than others, but also some stretches I felt like I was gliding. You know what's crazy, too? Is that it was also my fastest time since September last year. Now I also don't want to be misrepresenting this whole running thing, because I don't do it often. Like all of last year I did a total of 21 runs. But, Lord, ugh how cool.

I don't even know how to end this. I love you, I love you♡