new wine

VERSE 1:
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground

PRE-CHORUS:
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand

--
"New Wine"
Words and Music by Brooke Ligertwood
© 2017 Hillsong Music Publishing
CCLI song: 7102397

I've been thinking a lot about trust. Mostly I think because I'm struggling with it. I honestly don't really know what to say other than that. I'm struggling with trust. I'm struggling with trusting. I'm frustrated because I feel like trust should be proven. Where is that coming from?

This is what it feels like, it feels like trust is a destination. Like I won't know that I trust or that I can't actually trust until whatever indicator - until I'm at the career, until I have the relationship, until I no longer hurt because of a particular situation, until I've achieved something, until whatever. But why is that. Why. Because I also feel like I'm implanting distrust as I'm trying to trust. I say I believe that God has a future and a hope and a plan for me. And that that future and hope and plan are good because he is good. What holds me back from staying that course? Why do I also see the alternative? And even if I can see the alternative, why does that take enough from what I know to be true?

The crazy thing, too is that I have seen and witnessed your goodness and your grace and your kindness and your mercy. I was thinking today that maybe it's in reverence to that. The knowing that I only have what I have and I only am what I am and I only experience what I experience by mercy and grace. Have you heard of megalophobia? And masklophobia? It's a fear that comes on when coming face to face with large objects. And the latter is a fear of costumes or masks. I'm so glad that the fears are named because it means that others have had a similar experience. The grandness of the extremely large objects! It's disorienting. And then the costumes and masks. Covering up or presenting as something else. I remember experiencing that at amusement parks. When seeing characters that I had seen on television now in front of me. I couldn't explain it then, but how freaky to see that! To blur the line at that point in time for me of what I thought was fiction and now brining it into my reality.

What will it take for me to actually trust if what's already been proven to me, if what's already been a demonstration for me hasn't been enough? And maybe it isn't about me trusting you, God. Maybe it's about knowing that I'm not trust worthy. What if I mess it up. What if I am messing it up. I've been thinking of that scene in the Twilight series where Bella intentionally puts herself in dangerous situations because she believes that Edward will show up then and that's the only way she can be near him. I know and you know that I have a history of testing others to see what their limits are with me. Lord, I know that's wrong. And I don't know how to not do that. With people it's easier to stop because I can tell when I'm stepping into manipulation. God, I don't want to see you only in the hurting anymore. I don't want to know you only in the process anymore.

We read Matthew 14-18 and there's that story where Peter tells Jesus that if he calls out to him, he will walk over to him on the water. Jesus simply says "Come." And even though Peter starts the walk, he sees the wind and it scares him to where he loses his focus and when he takes his eyes off of Jesus, he begins to drown. God, I want to get to you! Yes, you went to Peter and you pulled him to safety. And yes to get to me and pull me to safety. But, still! Honestly, I want you to get to me sooner. I want you to meet me. But if I'm stepping into the water, God I want to get to you. I don't want to have to go through the sinking anymore. But maybe it's also a reframing. Peter didn't drown, he sunk. Thank you that even in through losing my focus, you have love enough that I don't plunge straight down, but that it's a sinking. With plenty of time to call out to you. God I don't want to need more of those moments to call out to you. God I don't want to freak out before calling to you. God I also don't want more moments to practice. I don't know what I'm asking for, so I thank you that you do. And that you do me one better with knowing what I actually need and what I actually want instead of letting me chart my own course all the time. Thank you for your craftsmanship, thank you for your creativity, thank you for handiwork, thank you for your care and love and affection. Thank you that you are there, shining your light for me♡