new thing coming

breaking out of yesterday!

i can't even try to lie to you right now, this week started out roughly. i mean, you saw it; you felt it. i'm not even really sure how to locate the root of it, but i have a sneaking suspicion that it's trust. i have no problem with hoping and envisioning the best, but it's like an intoxication, it's not faith. it's almost like i'm trying to find a broken point that i can magnify. and i think i want to give myself a little bit of credit for wanting to be better. but i also think i get in my own way when God has already freed me.

listen, i hope none of this resonates anymore ever again. i woke up in the middle of the night again. this time it was around 4am. my dad woke me up at 7am and i had forgotten that i had asked him to last night. and for some reason i think because of how i was dreaming or something made it seem to me like it was Sunday (it's actually Tuesday). so it's only been one day into the week at this point and it felt like i had wrapped up a week already.

but also, i kind of hope you actually can recall some of this. not to dwell on, but just to remember. because today really was beautiful. i woke up and had breakfast. usually when i wake up early, i go back to sleep for a bit. but today i finished my breakfast and then finished watching the sermon that i was watching during breakfast. i logged on to work for a bit. notice that change? i didn't get back to bed! i worked out, i stretched, i went for a walk, i showered, i ate lunch, i worked some more, i finished a lesson for my class, i watched some tv, i made a snack, i even planned a trip to see my friends in march! i was supposed to schedule a dentist appointment last week, but i didn't. i want to say it was divine guidance, but i'm not sure that that's the full truth. but i got to it today. now here's why i want you to be able to recall some of this. this week (i keep saying that as if it wasn't literally just yesterday) i sent an email response about a new project i was assigned to that had me on edge. i genuinely am scared of it, or intimidated by it. anyway, the first iteration of the project did not turn out well in my own eyes. i didn't know what the expectations were and then the two times i presented i didn't have any clear answers or understanding of what i was doing or what others were doing either. i just felt very confused. and after church on sunday i actually didn't think of asking for prayer but i saw my friend up at the altar and again it was like divine guidance that put it in my mind to ask if they was praying and when they said yes it was like "work". i felt such freedom! and honestly, i had thought i had already prayed enough or good enough about the situation. but then this freedom and safety to let her know about the situation i was facing! and they prayed for me and gave me something new to consider. i was being so self absorbed. and i don't necessarily feel bad about it, but it was good to hear how they was able to pray about me specifically in the situation, but how they brought up a broader perspective and impact for my team. they prayed with me and over me and over my team and over our dynamics and over unity and clarity and cohesion and understanding and a mutual victory not just for ourselves and the company but for the glory of God, to glorify him and to be able to see him in the middle of it.

after church on sunday i went on a walk and then yesterday morning i had breakfast and i had planned on getting up early because i wanted to send my email response in before the start of the working day. truthfully i was hoping that they wouldn't schedule a meeting yesterday. that's when the team manager invited me to a weekly team huddle. they asked me if i could make it to the meeting that day and again! that divine guidance said no. but i don't know if that was just me avoiding it because i didn't want to or what. but i really had planned other items for myself to get through and i had a doctor appointment that i would need to leave the house at around 2:30pm to make it. so i said no and again, here's where i want you to be able to just recall! because they weren't upset! then later during the day the meeting we had with the other team for this project was cancelled! and instead there was a meeting scheduled for me and another team member to work together on the project. now back to the dentist appointment. before i called, i saw an email from one of the organizations i volunteer with with the open dates that they need volunteers. and they switched up the dates, so now the service dates overlap with the weekly team check-ins. i had already committed to the next team check-in so i didn't think i should try to get out of it for this. BUT when i called the dentist, guess what appointment was available. that's right, on the same day at the same time as the next team check-in. and again, divine guidance! because it was almost like i didn't have a choice but to accept the appointment. so i take it and try to figure out how tell them that i won't be at the next check-in either. and again, this is where i want you to recall! because i still went about my day, trusting that i would get the guidance to how to approach it. after i finished the rest of my work day, i just knew that it was the right time to let them know about the meeting. i started writing and i didn't over-detail anything, i just was honest about not being able to attend. and they weren't upset! they even thanked me for letting them know. but they didn't make a big deal out of it! look, to me, i don't know why i shouldn't be attending these first two meetings. all i know is that this was a release of something.

i don't know where to go from here. so i'll just leave it here. Father!!!! i love you.