just more questions

i don't want to be a bad person. i don't want to be a liar. and here's an excuse or me avoiding confronting myself and my behaviors, i guess. i met someone a few years back and at the time i had an unhealthy crush and fixation on their friend. their friend was in a relationship though and even though i did flirt, nothing ever transpired and nothing could have ever transpired because they were incredibly respectful of their relationship. i'm not at all proud of how i behaved then, and i'm incredibly grateful for the mercy and grace i received to be able to go through the pains of consequence internally. so i meet the friend and at the time they also are in a relationship. i projected a persona or personality type onto them because of how they looked. i created a whole narrative and because we didn't see each other, we only communicated virtually, they really could fit into anything that i made up; our interactions were so limited. i've been held captive by my own delusions. and i don't even know if that's true! i'm definitely feeling bound by or to something, but i don't know that i can even trust my own perception of the situation.

all i know for certain is that i don't like who i am in association with them. i might have already mentioned this before, but it's worth revisiting. i don't know that i can call it a real friendship. not because of anything they're doing, but because of what i'm harboring. and i don't even know if what i'm harboring is feelings or what. i listened to a podcast yesterday because i'm in the middle of watching selling the oc. anyway in the series there's a story line with two of the cast members who are very clearly skirting around boundaries - one is married and the other is single and while "technically" nothing transpires between them, to me personally it is still a betrayal. and "technically" nothing is transpiring here, but i catch myself in conversation bringing up topics or even just the way i speak or react and it's just not what i want to do. and even if on the surface it could be innocuous, deep within me in my Self, i know the motives or intentions, conscious or unconsciously, are not all the way innocent. i want to shake it, but right this second i have to question myself like ... do you actually? what would that entail. i feel like i'm confronting a couple of things in this one relationship and on the one hand, i feel like this relationship is good for me for all the ways that it's challenged me to actually take a look at myself and my faults and my selfishness and my toxicity. on the other hand, i feel like this relationship is destructive because it also makes room for me to indulge in self destructive and hurtful behavior. and the thing about it is, it was almost fine? beforehand because we were both single so it was almost like i was ok with hurting this way. because it was like i was growing in it, too. and some how some way i ended up convincing myself that we were both on the same growth track together. but they're in a relationship now. and now it makes me physically feel sick whenever i can bring that to mind. we'll be in mid-conversation and i'll bring that to mind and i don't want to be there anymore. i'll think fondly of them sporadically throughout the day and then i remember and i feel sick again. it's a little bit of jealousy because why couldn't that be me? but i also think it's because i don't want to give any more way to this version of me. i do want the romance, i do want connection. i do want intimacy in my relationships, but i don't want to continue to attach genuine connection to romance exclusively. and they've shown me so much attention that i felt i'd been starved of. i do believe that i want to distance myself, but how do i do that? i'm so concerned with how i'll be perceived. i don't know what to say to ask for space. and also i'm scared that i'd be making the wrong decision, too. because what if this is a real genuine friendship and i just don't know how to handle or accept intimacy at this level. and what if i'm throwing that away under the guise of wanting to be better. and now we're back at trust. because i can't seem to trust anything that i'm doing. i can't trust myself to stay, can't trust myself to leave; can't trust my reasoning for either.

i'd rather they think i'm a bad person than actually be a bad person. i know it's selfish and self-centered and egotistic and arrogant to even think that my presence or absence would be so impactful to the point of causing hurt. but i've also been guilty of making too light of other's feelings that i don't acknowledge how my actions really do hurt people. not because of me but because some of the actions i take could hurt anyone simply because they're hurtful. in self-preservation, i don't want to admit that i am having confused feelings and that i can't handle this friendship. i don't think i deserve it. i don't think he deserves me as a friend for how deceiving i am. i definitely don't think their partner deserves me even being peripherally around. so most everything in me is clearly screaming to get out PLEASE. how? HOW.