it has to be good

Despite what it seems to look like. Despite what might seem to feel like opposition. Everything is working out for my good. Everything is working out for our good.

God, my mind seems to like playing games with me. And honestly, even your words are sometimes scary. I don't want to exist on tiptoes with you. I also don't want to be so comfortable that I become disrespectful. I know that I can't make you proud, but I'd like to try. What a crazy desire to have, honestly. It feels so daunting. But I also know that it could be the best possible existence in service to you.

And this is so annoying that I don't really know where I stand that I end up so ambiguous. Because I'm so grateful. And then I get a thought about my circumstances. And I don't want to lean into toxic positivity and ignore them. But I don't want to place them up on any platform where they can be elevated even a little bit above my faith in you.

I don't want to be seeking after you for scraps anymore. And I don't want to be entitled with you. How do I get out of this tension? Or is it a healthy tension to have?

You know what I need. You know what I want. You know what's best. You know what you have prepared for me. And Lord, that's scary. Because I know I want to say that positively, but there's also a part of me that know that I've done wrong. That knows that I still think of doing wrong. And that what's best for me might be devastating. And I don't want to believe you for just the positive, but how do I shake that when I can also seem to get glimpses of what the negative could be?

Jesus. I know you don't owe me anything. In fact I owe you my life for having given me a new chance at this again. Do you really want to be there for everything. Will you really be there. Do you actually mean it about peace and love and understanding and blessing and favor and safety and prosperity. What a terrible deal you took! Why is it so hard for me to believe that there is no rancor? Father, if that's what's in me, help me with it. Because what a terrible thing to project onto you. I do want to let that go. Because I do know what it's like to be with you. It's just that the other sounds or sights... help me. I want to be able to mean it when I say "whatever you need to do". But that scares me and I can't trust you on my own, in my own strength. Jesus, thank you. Thank you thank you. Thank you for praying for me, thank you for praying for my family. Thank you for praying for this city. Thank you for praying for these spaces and for all of us in them. Thank you that you know exactly what I feel even when I don't♡

13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
Luke 2:13-14, KJV