Down by The Water

Lyrics

I lost my heart
Under the bridge
To that little girl
So much to me

And now I moan
And now I holler
She'll never know
Just what I found

This is such a creepy little song! I don't know that I would recommend it, but it's definitely gotten me thinking. I know that PJ Harvey had her reasons for writing this song and for the sound as well. And what might sound haunting and eerie and scary to me, might not be intended to. I read the lyrics before listening to the song. I was actually looking for the song by The Drums, but this one came up when I added "original" to my search after seeing a few songs under the same title by different artists; I thought multiple artists had covered the same song. The lyrics resonate for some reason, but I couldn't deny the unease after listening to the song itself. I did look up the music video just now and visually it's stunning.

It's pretty cool how bridges can represent transitions, journeys, a crossing over if you will. They can also symbolize connections between different entities or a coming together. I keep having a repeating visual of myself as an adult and myself as a child. And it's sometimes sad and scary that I can remember feeling off even as a kid. I know that I must have had moments and long stretches of times where I was simply present, but I don't know what that feels like. Maybe that's the point; being in the moment is a state of being rather than a feeling? So what I see is leaving my heart with little me, almost like I couldn't take it with me where I was going. As I've gladly come to find though, life is better with it<3. I do wish I could actually call out to her so she could hear me where she is - to tell her to listen to Me over everyone and anyone else. That they only know what they know, but that I know what I know for Us.

Man, I want to do us proud. And I am sorry for what we've gone through that was less than lovely. But if that's what it took for me to get to the point where I know who I am, then I can transition those points to count for joy. You know, sometimes I truly, with my whole heart wish that I didn't have my thoughts or feelings because they're heavy, they're strong. But I'm grateful that I can be here with them. I'm grateful that I can handle them. I'm grateful that I'm realizing that no matter how big or how strong they might be, I'm stronger still. I know I'm not perfect. And I know that this perspective will be challenged, but knowing it right now means that I can reaffirm my stance in the middle of the challenge. I am stronger still.

Lyrics

Everybody's gotta love some one
But I just wanna love you dear
Everybody's gotta feel something
But I just want to be with you, my dear

I just want to let myself know that I want me above anyone else. My relationship with myself has been the most tumultuous and hurtful. I've come to realize that that's at the root of some of the difficulties in some of my other relationships as well. Because I'm looking or wanting validation or some kind of proof from the other person or groups. However, it ends up being a sad cycle because I inevitably find something else to want or continue to push the goal post further, "just one more thing". I get so far into the game that I'm either stuck in a role that I want out of or I push enough that self-fulfilling prophecy comes to pass. I want a relationship because I want to have the experience of knowing and joining with someone. I also want to be free to only be me. So right now I'm not sure that it would be kind of me to entangle someone else into this mess. It does make me sad because I see how easily others seem to connect or just how beautiful and fun it looks and I can imagine myself into all kinds of relationships and I want to have them play out. But I'm scared of the potential breakdown and having to leave them at some point. I don't even really know what I'm on about right now. But I liked this song, and in relation to the one by PJ Harvey - I thought it was an interesting juxtaposition in the music tone and in the words as well. I like the visual of little me falling asleep by the water after a day of play at the lake and older me letting her and carrying her back home or to the car to get home. This goes back to me being stronger and being able to be there for myself, just in a softer tone. That whatever goes on inside this pretty little head of mine, I'll still be there. That I want to be here with her specifically. I want myself to know that I'm here on purpose.