Created to Be

You are not who you've been. You are who you were created to be.^[1]

Who was I created to be? So far, I have my core. I know I am made to worship. Not because I've been told, though I have been told. And I haven't been told because I worship well, but just in general I've heard that we, collectively, are made to worship. "If creation sings Your praises, so will I".^[2] There are other songs, too, but that's the lyric that came to mind just then. I thought I liked to sing, but I'm starting to think that actually what I love is to praise and worship. There's something about song and music that can feel much more real sometimes. And if I could, I would spend the rest of my time in the rest of my days singing praises. So long as I have a voice to, I would love to. But outside of that? What do I do with my days? I know that everything that I do can be to God's glory. I know that everything that I do can be to honor God and can be a living testament to the love and power and beauty and majesty and peace and everything that God encompasses. But, still! What do I do, then? How do I reconcile or how do I step back into the world now? If I can do and be anything in terms of vocation. What do I do? Where do I focus my attention? Where do I put my efforts. It feels like the answer is to focus on Jesus and yes, true. BUT GOD, WHERE!

I've been trying to figure it out. I almost said that I've tried. I'm still trying. I still want to try. Because I want to do. I want to live. Truthfully, I'm not sure if I'm scared or if I'm being obedient. I had this wild, crazy thought towards the end of 2023 and at the beginning of 2024 that God would bring the next opportunity to me. And, hear me out! Because I know I sound crazy. Every great thing that I've been able to take part in, I haven't been the one to create or even seek that opportunity. I've been so greatly cared for that I've been given people in life that have helped steer me towards the next thing each time. And sitting here now I can admit that I haven't deserved any of those opportunities. It could only be grace and mercy that I'm where I am. Literally, even sitting here writing this all out. To be able to have words to articulate even through my confusion. That I can follow these trains of thought. How crazy is that! Man, IF I COULD! Then I would just continue to live my life as things present themselves. And here's where I get stuck, God. Because to wait on you - is that literally to wait for an opportunity? Or am I supposed to be seeking? And if it's seeking, what do I seek? Where? And here's another thing. Right this very moment I can live like this because God, you've blessed me with so much that I have resources and I have enough to live. But where do I go from here? Because I'm still considering that I need an income to afford housing and water and food. And I also! Want to believe for even more than that. Because I want to experience life as grand as it can be with you. How do I reconcile that?

I feel like I'm just going in circles. And part of that I think is me wresting and working through what faith and what hope I have. What am I rooting myself in?^[3] Am I crazy for believing that I actually can just stay put here with you, God? That so long as I keep walking into the open doors I'll end up where I long to be? Because where I long to be is actually here. But in my concern for the future... I can't see how this is sustainable. I can't see how this is realistic in the long-term. I can see it in the past. I can see it in the right this second. I think. Because I know that it's faith AND works; I have the faith, but what works!? And then I start to question, well do I have faith then? If I keep coming back to check, if I keep coming back to this contemplating?

IDK. But you DK, God. Thank you for who you've been. Thank you for who you are. Thank you for being ready and willing to listen to me. Thank you for literally everything. Thank you that I can come to you with these questions time and time again. Thank you that you've already answered everything I could ever ask. Thank you for the joy that I can find in seeking you out. Thank you that you already know where and why I'm confused. Thank you that you make everything clear. Even though right now I can't find that clarity, thank you that it actually is there. Thank you that you get it. Thank you that you have it. Father, thank you for Jesus. Jesus, thank you for your humanity. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Amen♡