Breaking the Habit

I couldn't get to sleep last night, but I didn't feel frustrated. It was actually a really nice night, the neighborhood was calm, our neighbors were settled in it seemed. Even my little brother had fallen asleep so the light from the computer wasn't an issue. I had half of an energy drink at around 12:15pm and finished it at around 2pm and while I know I did feel a pick up in my being Up, I don't think I can attribute being wide awake to it. I ate a pretty sizable meal and had plenty of water and I was in bed around 11pm or midnight; the effects should have worn off by then. Anyway, I got home from church and I ended up doing some reading and then watching one of the live sermons as a recap and because I like watching the different versions. When I moved out last year I bought myself a puzzle because I wanted to be the type of person that does puzzles. I completed it over the span of two days in my studio, on the floor, by myself. It was really fun, but by back and butt hurt since I sat on the floor with little back support and even less cushioning. I'd been wanting to do the puzzle again with my family and yesterday for some reason had to be the day.

Usually, I want to be up by 8:30am on Sundays. What actually ends up happening, though is that I begrudgingly wake up closer to 8:45am and feel rushed. I can't actually remember what time I woke up yesterday, but I was able to calmly get up, brush my teeth, and settle in before the first service started playing. In the couple of minutes of downtime that I had while the service got started, I had "breaking the habit" looping in my head. I don't know how to properly express what I've been going through lately; it's like I don't even trust myself enough to be sure of what I'm feeling. I try to pin-point when the dip started and how I got to where I was and where I am, but I always find something further back but the something further back points me to something more recent, so on and so forth. In a way I feel like it might have always been, but I also know for a fact that that's not true. I just don't know why ~ happiness ~ doesn't always feel real, even though I know that it is. Honestly, I feel like where I am is where I want to be - I am so alive and becoming who I've always known myself to be. I feel so free and so real and so true. It almost feels like a joke that I get to have it so good because I'm struggling with embracing and accepting that it really is.

So I had "breaking the habit" looping in my mind. I attribute it to waking up early and being able to take my time getting ready. The day before, too, on Saturday, I broke away from one of my patterns when I went for a jog. The past week I started taking a class on Coursera: Learning How to Learn. The lessons for the first week touched on focused vs. diffused thinking, procrastination, the importance of sleep for brain cleansing, movement and creativity. I had enrolled in the course in 2019 and I watched part of Module 1, but I didn't stick to it. I do remember being really interested in the topic and at the time I was really wanting to be someone who takes classes in their free time. I know I was too focused on the optics and didn't have a real desire to actually learn, at least my desire to present as learned was greater than my desire to truly learn.

Sitting here now I know it went much deeper than that, too. I don't think I ever really understood learning as a practice. I'm smart, capable, competent, accomplished and even still I never believed it even though I knew it to be the case. I had knowledge, knowhow, a proven track record, but I seemed to always feel like I was missing something and like I couldn't possibly be doing things right, getting things right. I was so focused on there being a "right". Having some insight on the study of studying, the different approaches and strategies, reading about and listening to others's relationship to learning, as well as creating a picture of what learning is as a concept ... it's only been a week, but I do believe this is going to be a pivotal point in time for me. Along with the course, I've started going out on walks again and been reading a chapter of my book each day. I spend so much time in my head, planning, conceptualizing, reminiscing, scripting. Actually acting upon anything, though is tough.

But both ends of the spectrum are tough to be in! I'm embracing that both ends of the spectrum should be more like anchors; it's like they keep the string taught on a guitar but you strum and create keys and music in the in-between. Each have their own advantages and merits and together they're a powerhouse; I'm a powerhouse. I'm actually having so much fun right now being aware of when I want to do something and when I stop myself from it or start creating excuses or putting up resistance. Having the opportunity to take the course at this exact time where I was so sick of my self-imposed stagnancy has been helping me to redirect a portion of my days towards conscious self-discipline. The thing is that I actually really do enjoy learning and what I'm learning, so it's a bit silly that I have to discipline myself to do it, but that's what it is right now. Maybe it won't always be, but I'm happy to get the practice nonetheless. That's actually another point in the lessons: practice creates strength. Which, duh, but after having jumped ahead for most of my life I'm beyond grateful to be revisiting, revising, and rebuilding my foundations.