~balance~

OMG - hi.

What a day, what a day! You know it better than I do. But here we go. And I also want to say that sooner rather than later I'd like to start writing less about my day and more about anything else. I don't really know what, though. Stories, research, proposals, reviews. I don't know, but to incorporate other types of styles in addition to journaling. Don't get me wrong, I love journaling and recounting parts of the day. But I want to see how much I can stretch myself again with regards to writing. You know what that means? More reading, too. To get a feel for what is out there. What stories can and have be told. What gaps I can fill. What gaps I can create. But let's get to today for right this very moment because what a doozy!!

Okay, I had a bit of a weird dream. I was out with a friend of mine from high school. I can't fully remember the context of it. I might be mixing dreams here, but I'm pretty sure part of the scene was set at an amusement park that was also supposed to resemble Universal Studios, but also not at all because it was also a bit of a boardwalk feel, but also not at all that because it was also akin to a rollercoaster, but also not that because it was ... you get the point. Part of the storyline was also that there was a shuttle that you boarded to leave the place and it was at the same time crowded and isolated. It was also outdoors, but in a tunnel like a train. Anyway, beyond that setting, I ended up with my friend. And for whatever reason something about her dad now being in a relationship was part of it. THEN we were at one of the restaurants and we were by the ocean. The restaurant was basically on the water and we ended up getting seated towards the back but still by the windows. And I remember that my friend was facing me with her back towards the coast and I was facing her and could see the coast behind her. Which meant that when the waves got crazy, I could see how strong they would crash against the restaurant. The sight of it was frightening, but as hard as the waves crashed in, it didn't make an impact on the restaurant.

So I wake up and I'm grateful actually for being up and excited for breakfast and to have a day. My phone was inexplicably hot, so that was weird. And I actually was in a bit of a haughty space because I had decided that I was going to be okay if I never spoke to someone ever again. It was a bit from a place of celebration for being free of it. But admittedly, it was also in arrogance that I would be okay even if they weren't. Double layer of arrogance to assume that they would be hurt by my absence. So I continued with my morning routine and then it dawned on me that even if theoretically I could accept and move on from never speaking to them again, it would actually entail never hearing from them again. And it really did because for the first time in a long time I didn't hear from them today. So I had to deal with the emotions that came with that. It was also a gloomy day and I wasn't expecting rain, so it was a bit of a stressful and irritating walk today because it did drizzle a bit and I wasn't sure if it would all the way rain while I was out. Add to that, I was only in a sweater and sweatpants so I was really dreading an actual rain shower. Then ALSO. Work. I don't mind morning meetings usually because once they're done, they're out of the way. But I had a meeting scheduled in the middle of the day and I was hoping that it would get canceled. Add to that I hadn't been sure what was expected of me for that meeting, so I just keep stressing about it whenever I see it scheduled. I celebrated that it did end up being cancelled. But then I got a message about needing to touch base on the project. So again the spiral. And the meeting was scheduled for even later than the first meeting. I don't know, I could go on. But today really was about pushing through. About seeking help in all the ways I knew to seek it. To acknowledge that it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, quite literally. And to be grateful still. To surrender still. To praise and worship still.

I had an assignment for a course that I'm taking and what a way to wrap up! I actually have been doing pretty well in the course. I have been taking notes and really trying to understand the material as best as I can. So far there's been one section that tripped me up really badly that I didn't really try in as much as I could have. There's a culminating activity at the end of each course that incorporates the lessons into one workbook and flow. So far, I've been able to do the problem sets and be happy with my progress and completion. Today, however! I really did not want to. And I was again overly confident in my own capabilities that I went into it with a less than ideal attitude. I had prepared a snack for myself, too, so I had it at the forefront of my mind that the faster I can wrap up, the faster I can eat my snack. And there was one, just ONE prompt that I could not fully understand. And then at the very end I couldn't get the equation to balance out. I kept adjusting the answer to the problem prompt with no avail. However! **BLESSINGS** Since the equation wasn't balancing, I kept digging and prodding and adjusting and I finally was confident in what my answer was. And just then, I checked my previous problem sets that I had referenced before and I received your guidance on where to look! And wouldn't you know it, I had my order of operations mixed up a bit. I kept trying to balance out the equation to be able to complete the final section. BUT I actually had to complete the final section and that input would be my missing piece in the previous equation. I had actually considered not completing the assignment or looking up the answer online. I took a break first, though. I continued watching my movie, I ate and enjoyed my snack. And after my break was when the pieces fell into place.

I'm not in the highest of spirits, honestly. But, God. GOD. What can I say! Thank you truly is not enough! It's not even silver linings! Whatever is still happening or still in me that I feel like I can't fully embrace joy like I have, Jesus thank you for the gift of the Holy Spirit on top of everything else. Jesus your grace and your mercy poured out for ME?! Agapē is insane.

Luke 4:18-19 NIV